Lander, WY: As the Class of 2023 starts to take shape, we’re beginning to learn about the most important factor in whether they’ll integrate well into our community: that is, their name.

IIT studies of a leaked list of the new freshmen(persons) direct from the Student Life Office shows unheard of concentrations of certain names that may pose a threat to the class through complexities of confusion. What do you do when you have three Annas in your class, two Marias, two Michaels, two Nathans, and so on. What’s more, between the Class of 2022 and these new incoming freshmen the threat of confusion gets much broader with six Bernadettes reportedly between the two classes.

Of course, each of the Bernadette’s looks different and is quite different in personality, but having a Holmes, Heithoff, Syv, Wall on top of two new freshmen with that name will surely make conversation much harder

Imagine the simple question of where someone is, something that due to the absence of cell phones for communication, is a common conversation: “Where’s Bernadette?” How would you answer if there are six of them? Take 30 seconds to list them off? Heithoff the Latin lover, Syv the teenager, Sherlock of the professor’s family, etc.

No. It might be uncharitable to ignore a question, but most will just not answer. If they did, can anyone imagine the horrendous effects of so much wasted breath and mental energy upon the brains and speech of already overloaded students?

I’d say it’d be worse to see such an exhausted student body than a nuclear fallout scene. Not that I’m encouraging people to ignore each other, but we’ll have to find a solution to prevent our having to ever reach this point.

I’ve got a few ideas like having everyone wear location-tracking devices so no one has to engage in conversation in attempting to find someone, having an educational seminar on where everyone is at each time during the day, or giving everyone cell-phones, but each of these has its flaws.

We’ve got a few weeks to figure it out, but again, it’s going to be a “real” confusing year unless some solution is found quickly. IIT engineers are working around the clock but we need your input to eventually get community approval and buy-in on a solution.

Write to sales@irkutskicetruckers.com with your solution (or seriously for an actual moment, on how we should welcome our abundance of new freshmen)

More details on the demographic structure and behaviors of the new class are soon forthcoming, but needless to say, it’ll be interesting, or as some of the Class of 2022 are famous in saying: “spicy”!