Vatican City – In a move to appease the indigenous peoples of yesteryear, the Amazonian Synod reportedly is considering bringing back the nostalgic times of the Old Testament with “innovative worship of a new principle of being, a golden calf”. “Most don’t or soon won’t remember what happened last time people tried this,” says synod “spokesperson” Cardinal Schuster, “so we can get back to those good days of nice old fashioned idolatry. No need to make it hard; no need to figure out how to worship the whole earth when we can just set up a golden calf in each parish.”

Some attending Cardinals were concerned that the reuse of the ancient Israelite idolatrous symbol might be “too out of sync for modern needs” and suggested the use of a giant golden football instead to appeal to the American crowd.” As proposed here, this was acceptable to most American cardinals, however, but complaints of “cultural imperialism” and the principle of relativism on which the attendees rested as a first principle threatened the idea as the attendees couldn’t agree on whether it was an American or a British football.

Money too was an option proposed by some practical attendees, who suggested worshipping stacks of it to simulate the “render to Caesar what is Caesar’s” or “render to us some cool hard cash” section they thought they remembered being somewhere in the NAB.

Thus Cardinal Schuster, who originated this idea in the first place, was forced to make some modifications to his initial proposal to satisfy these complaints, namely the addition of a UHDTV to one side of his proposed standard 1-ton golden calf model playing constant ESPN (or maybe CNN) but says his concept will still make the “a god who shall go before us” and “the world’s best-looking if I do say so myself”.

Church architecture might require some modifications to accommodate the increased weight and complexity of his plan, Schuster, admitted, but he said that “most churches are already wired for the entertainment systems and disco lights we’ve been wanting to install for years” so it shouldn’t be too much of a problem to put in more support and wiring.”

Cardinals are set to vote on their final documents within the next week, and Schuster’s proposal may face one more hurdle with the idea that the “Church abandon the idea of a God altogether and go with the scientific idea of a starmaker”. “Indigenous Cardinals” ordained since the synod began (preferring the title of shamaans we hear) will still likely push Schuster’s proposal forward as a recommendation of the synod for the entire Church.

NOTE: Though this proposal has not been known to have been actually made, things just that bad or worse are happening and under proposal their right now. Pray for the Church.

UPDATE 10/28/19: And like we said here Archbishop Schneider is making the same comparison: