World – In a much expected move, God called down fire and brimstone today upon Chick-Fil-A’s 2,328 worldwide locations on account of their recent corporate capitulation and rejection of all their principles. God’s prophet Kanye West attempted to plead for mercy for them in a chilling conversation where he asked “Will you indeed sweep away them for their sin with their past good deeds? Suppose they spent fifty righteous dollars; will you then sweep away every one of their stores and not forgive them for the fifty righteous dollars?” But neither fifty dollars, not any lower amount of righteous money was to be found, so God went ahead and destroyed them.

“It was a tough decision,” God admitted, “knowing as that I loved them and Truett loved me, but just as the wicked deeds of Sodom and Gomorrah cried out for vengeance, so now the mooing of the Chick-Fil-A cow turned to a golden calf required justice to be served. They had served me, but now they no longer know my ways, and have come to hate me.”

The simultaneous destruction of every location shocked the world, but the Chick-Fil-A cow, which somehow survived, though now, as God said, “turned to a golden calf”, is attempting to call the destruction an accident “having nothing to do with their corporate capitulation”. “Nuthin to see hear,” he said in a CNN interview today. “Igno Gen 19 and eat mo chikin.”

God is still working out a replacement “Holy Restaurant” for his people, and will be in the interim again offering manna until he can restore a God-fearing restaurant from a chosen chef he has called.