Wyoming Catholic College’s Jacob Zepp, a sophomore from Wisconsin and a school sacristan, was outed today as the long-running homily writing ghostwriter for school chaplain Fr. Draw of Michigan. This came about through a leaked transcript of a school faculty meeting submitted to IIT intelligence agents today that confirmed longheld community suspicions to this effect. Between a discussion of whether the school should purchase the Blackblood Tattoo parlor and whether Sophia and Everett really are dating or were just studying together in the Pequod one night came discussion of a recent homily by Fr. Draw where he said: “They speak Latin in heaven.” Apparently a bishop somewhere had found about it and complained that this indirectly showed “improper support for an unessential pre-conciliar construct” as Dr. Benoski as recorded in the meeting minutes, commented.
But as an official letter of complaint about the statement had been received by the school office from the bishop, “some unpronounceable German name” according to Dr. Bolson, “We need to make a response.” This caused disagreement, however, as Benoski quoted Church canon law to the effect that “the local prelate has authority superseding such that another’s bishop’s complaint is meaningless without the approval of the local superior of the cleric in question.”
Dr. Zimmer, director of the school’s Outdoor Leadership Program, muddied the waters even more, mentioning that technically Fr. Draw “has two superiors”, the local Wyoming bishop and the bishop of his home diocese of Detroit. “We have to follow industry standards, which means we have to be able to get each and every bishop on our side before we say anything,” he argued. “This case could quickly get too confusing so we might as well choose the safe course of action in this experience and bring this before our Risk Management Committee.”
Magister interrupted and, in Latin, called for no response to be given. “Pater Draw loquitur verum, verissmumque. Lingua Latina non modo in Caelo sed Caelum ipsa est!” he literally shouted.
But Dr. Baxter had gotten interested in Dr. Zimmer’s comment about multiple bishops having jurisdiction and launched into a monologue about the question of whether the key proportional relationship in Dante’s political commentary was between bishops versus the state being as the vernacular was to the Latin or rather if it was the other way around. Needless to say, he was excited.
Washut was interested no to, as to what this question meant for the community as a whole: “Hmm, say more.” Even for a faculty meeting, things we’re getting out of hand until Dr. Arbery called for order, suggesting reasonably that “Since this is a chaplaincy question as it pertains to certain statements made in a recent homily of our chaplain’s we might as well get his commentary on the matter before we make any decision on how to proceed.”
Fr. Draw was brought in, and thus forth came the shocking revelation. “Sure I said that,” he commented. “But I didn’t write it. It came from Jacob Zepp, just like most of my homilies.”
Stunned silence filled the room as the professors digested this nugget, Dr. Shrubs alone giving a look that implied “this is ridiculous, let’s move on to planning our Jane Austen Literary Initiative” so it was Dr. Dazed who asked the first question: “Wow, never realized that. How long has he been doing it?”
“As long as he’s been a sacristan. It’s right there in his job description as sacristan that they write my homilies for me. I do sometimes give suggestions, as its my idea to have favorite saints and not his, though he usually picks them for me whenever I talk about them.”
“Who wrote your homilies last year?” Dr. Benoski asked, “Before Jacob was a Sacristan, that is, and why hasn’t Alex written any?”
“Politics,” was Fr. Draw’s response, which drew Dr. PapaD’s and the other (the political one) Dr. Arbery’s eyelids rapidly upward at the same moment in a sign of shared interest, “Jacob’s seen as a moderate in the community and that helps. I do have to ask Alex to help once in a while to appease certain students here – but Jacob usually gets us the best balance. Sometimes people get bothered when he writes in stuff about some combination of letters, S – S – P, and, it’s X, isn’t that it? I loved that sermon personally though when he/I con-er-blamed them for the problems of the Church. great response by everybody when I read it.”
“What does this mean for replying to this letter of complaint?” asked a highly practical Dr. Z.
“I’ll write to him that we’re investigating the statement and leave out who came up with it,” Fr. Draw offered. “I don’t really care either way on the original question, what was it again? We can at least get the Kwas to write something about a German bishop interfering in American affairs though, maybe Taylor Marshall as well, and then we’ll get Susan From the Parish Council to blur things up a bit with a tweet and we’ll come out as heroes and Jacob will give me some more great things to blame and not condemn. We’ve got this.”
There was much more to discuss, so the meeting tabled the question for the moment, pending Fr. Draw’s plan though there has not yet been independent confirmation that he/they have followed through with it.
We decided to check in then with Jacob Zepp himself about this report. He was quite unconcerned if news got out of his secret role as a homily writer. Very open, he admitted at once to “writing 99% of Fr. Draw’s homilies” but wanted us to be very clear that is was only that 99%. “Some of the ones where he goes off and talks about the Tridentine rite or the other Eucharistic prayers were written by Alex. I do the other 99% though. I’m quite proud of them.”
“Its very easy to write homilies,” he said offering advice. “Start with a theme, be it parish priests aren’t canonized, judge but don’t condemn, or my favorite saints, and the rest is easy.”
Several students who learned of this independently today have reportedly launched an online petition according to Jacob that he be ordained a priest himself “to simplify and streamline things” as Jacob is doing just about everything short of being a priest himself for the chaplaincy. This is something he is “interested in”, but “will need a little more time to ponder. How about if I have Fr. Draw talk about it in his next sermon,” he added, perking up.