Lander, WY – Sophomore Theology 202 became somewhat less liberal artsy and more practical this week with stunning proof that William Shakespeare was guilty of the murder of Hamlet’s uncle Claudius. “I always thought analogies were disconnected from reality,” sophomore Rubigo said, telling IIT about his discovery. “But analogies are actually more real than reality itself!”

Theology 202: Creation and Providence at Wyoming Catholic concerns the mystery of creation, the interworking of providence as God’s continual timeless relationship to contingent beings and how this relates to free will with the question of grace. All seems simple usually to students, except for the part about free will and providence coexisting, which sophomores this year, as a whole, “just weren’t getting” according to Dr. Dazed, their professor for the course. “It was at that point that I brought in an analogy and little did I know what I started,” he added.

For as sophomore Rubigo tells us, “the moment Dr. Dazed offered us a ‘helpful analogy’ we all got it”. It was simple, human free will and Divine causality of that free will can be simply understood as being alike Hamlet killing his uncle in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Simply put, Shakespeare is a cause of Hamlet killing his uncle in the account and Hamlet is a cause because he’s the one who does it.

But this got the extremely studious Class of 2022 thinking, and maybe thinking a little too much, especially after a recent class Murder Mystery dinner. “Shakespeare did it in his writing room with a quill pen” said Bernadette Heithoff, a sophomore from Kansas. “If he didn’t make Hamlet do it, he wouldn’t have killed Claudius,” she shouted (alright, maybe that was an exaggeration: she proclaimed forcefully)

Commotion followed, first as students were confused over Bernadette’s shout, especially the fact that it wasn’t Latin she had shouted in, but then confusion as they realized she was right. “Why did I ever trust authors?” questioned Jane Cunningham. “All those deaths in the stories that I blamed the villains for, and the authors we’re the villain behind the villains?”

“This is a serious accusation,” said Matthew White coming to his senses, “Why don’t we check all the facts again,” as Hanna turned her head toward Dr. Dazed, expectantly.

The professor though for a moment, got up from his chair, and realized. It was true. When you think an analogies just an analogy you don’t let it’s logic really enter you. You analogize it and move on. For a whole semester the whole class had rested on the supposition that God was related to us and our actions as an author to his characters

But “Wait,” shouted Everett interrupting, “That would be saying God causes all our actions just like an author if we’re saying the analogy is true. It’s true, isn’t it.” 

“True, truth, quid, veritas, ahhggh,” was the pile of words coming out of another sophomore’s mouth. “Not to be a Pontius Pilate, but what exactly do those mean? To know the quiddities of materially instantiated causes and their notional relationships in a temporal quaternion framework might lead us past the inherent limitations of our first principles…”

“Tangent alert, that’s a Second Semester Senior Year I just heard,” said Matthew.

“Let’s hear more Bernadetta,” requested Dr. Dazed. “What did you mean?”

“Licetne mihi in Latina respondere?” said the sophomore, and Latin tutor hopeful. “Latina est praescio multo!”

Omnsiciens had to translate Bernadette’s Latin as she had lately taken an interest in Latin poetry–it was too hard for anyone but him to understand. Speaking for her as she talked so: “Shocked beyond belief was I, the realization piercing my mind, Shakespeare killed Claudius, Claudius was killed by Hamlet, Hamlet controlled by Shakespeare. Wherefore lies the blame, hidden to me twas all the factual intricacies, until our discussion herein.”

“I really like what you;re saying, but can you repeat that?” another asked.

And so the conversation went on until Dr. Dazed looked up again and interrupted. “In a way you are right now, Bernadette. It’s true. Shakespeare is a murderer. Her argument checks out but all of the rest of you except Omnisciens don’t have the tools to understand it. You’ll get them over time, beginning next semester, but Second Semester Senior Year will be a good time to revisit this question.

IIT News was luckily present to get the truth out to you now though, instead of waiting two years for a full explication and we can report that Dr. Dazed and the rest of the theology department at the school are investigating the implications of this charge, which could include criminal prosecution for William Shakespeare and the banning of his works from publication.