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Yesterday’s discovery of John Wayne in St. Theresa’s

Lander, WY – The famed icon again entering the forefront of news at Wyoming Catholic College, St. Athanasius Dormitory’s poster of John Wayne was discovered lost and abandoned underneath a bed yesterday in St. Teresa of Avila Dormitory. Students protested en-masse today outside of St. Theresa’s to demand an investigation and justice for the poster, which had last been discovered torn and malformed in late December after a freshman kidnapped and hid away the five-foot-tall cutout.

Since then, repairs (surgeries) were supposedly planned and underway after a quick trial under mysterious circumstances supposedly secured justice but, astoundingly, without notice “this relic bearing GLORIOUS heritage of the Pioneer Years at WCC” was again somehow vilely denigrated.

School summer employees found the poster under a mattress in a women’s dorm and immediately returned it to Athanasians for immediate intensive care but the news of the discovery and the horrible fact that John Wayne had likely laid there forgotten and uncared for for months brought immediate demands for justice.

“Shame on the man who left it uncared for”, “J4JW” (Justice for John Wayne), and “Twice Burned – Student Life Must Investigate Now” were some of the chants of a growing crowd of protestors from St. Athansius and beyond who gathered outside the dorm to demand justice.

Led by sophomore Lilly Kooc of Illinois, who while of course not an Athanasian herself, carries a “deep and burning respect for the noble John Wayne Himself”, protestors demanded answers from the leadership of St. Theresa’s. “Freshmen tomfoolery like what Nate was involved in last year we can understand, but Theresa’s as a whole must have been involved, and bears the blame. My dears justice must be served!”

“Sit down, eat. Taste our fresh meat!” came chants from a food truck which arrived, a new venture of Wyoming Catholic College’s Crux Coffee and Dolce Ice Cream as the crowd of students who happened to be in town, concerned townspeople, and school administration officials became ever the more absolutely massive.

Since none of the leadership (prefect, tyrant, associate prefect, etc. – going a little TACey here) of St. Theresa’s was accessible at the moment, no answers could be  reached, and tensions rose with some threatening to “break down the door and seek answers themselves.”

School administration officials managed to hold them off, but only after calling in for back-up reinforcements from WCC Security agents former and present.As it became clear that nothing could be solved that day, some of the crowd left, but only after negotiation with school officials promised a full investigation into the matter, as some representatives of St Athanasius, the honorable guardians of John Wayne, seemed surprisingly unconcerned, with “No worries, he was in safe hands” the comment of one. 

To this had come calls from the crowd: “They’re just as guilty,” but the school managed to convince a majority of the crowd that there would be justice served, and since the prefect of Athanasius, John-Henry, was also unreachable at the present, the threat of the protest turning to a riot was avoided for the day. However, school officials warn that “hardliners might provoke a greater altercation and have temporarily added back a curfew for students in town over the summer of 9 pm to prevent any potential trouble until further notice.

Protestors themselves have still determined to return until justice is served, although passions have seemed to have moderated somewhat from their original highs after a St. Athanasius inspector reported the poster had borne “no further damages beyond those sustained by the December tragedy.”