Washington, DC – The United States Center for Disease Control (CDC) has requested that all rioters and looters begin working from home due to the recent rise in Chinese coronavirus cases that may have been linked to their line of work. Dr. Anson Ansetter, head of the CDC, says that “While rioters and looters form an integral part of the modern American economy, we’re all in this together, and we ask that they please work from home and destroy their own property. 

This could include virtual rioting in an online chat forum, home-rioting, where you riot all by yourself at home, “which is particularly cool as it’s great for social distancing” according to Ansetter, or mental rioting where you riot with yourself, but inside your mind. “There’s all sorts of options if you get bore. The opportunities are endless” he added.

The CDC is issuing this only as a recommendation, in hopes that states will enforce it in their own coronavirus policies. “We don’t want to overstep our bounds and in anyway force our way into the busy and hectic lives of rioters and looters,” Ansetter added. “If you are a reioter and looter and you can stay at home though we would greatly appreciate if you would do so, at least for the present. Don’t worry, the windows will still be thee for you to break,the stores for you to raid, the walls for you to graffiti, and the flammables to set on fire. Just a few short months!”

California however has declared rioters essential workers, and New York, Minnesota, and Illinois are set to follow suit, a move which would make them eligible for heightened unemployment benefits, guaranteed hazard pay, and two extra weeks of paid vacation a year.