Lander, WY – Wyoming Catholic College students are some of the best in the world at a lot of weird, nerdy, fad, rad, epic, and even academic things. However, there’s one thing that these otherwise astounding are quite obviously bad at: not losing things. WCC students are constantly losing things, nalgene water bottles first and foremost. 

On average, each WCC student has about three in their possession, but at least two of these are constantly “missing” for each student, a situation which has gotten worse over the years at the school and is only continuing to worsen. Nearly every day multiple all-school emails are sent out by frantic students attempting to find their lost nalgenes, although these frantic last-ditch efforts rarely produce results, with only about 20% of lost nalgenes ever being recovered by their original owners.

But WCC finally has a solution. Administration officials at the school have bulk-ordered “several thousand” miniature GPS/NFC (near field communication) tracking devices that all students will be required to attach to their nalgenes. “From now on finding a lost nalgene will be simple as pie,” says Saul H. Ciwoknot, the executive vice president of the school. “Simply come up to the Student Life Office, scan your keycard to prove your identity, and then we’ll pull up your nalgene’s location on our screen.”

Privacy advocates like junior Boaz Serk of New Jersey are somewhat concerned that this plan means that the school “could be tracking everyone’s location at any and all times” by means of tracking their nalgenes, and her concerns seem somewhat warranted, given that the new school keycards allow administration to track every usage of them on building doors. Furthermore, neither Ciwoknot nor anyone else in the school’s administration has answered Boaz’s concern and in fact a recent leak from an IIT agent working in close contact with school Student Life Office officials says the school is “also considering integrating the tracking technology”, which uses tracking transceivers smaller than a dime, “into the next iteration of the keycards themselves.”

This report has not yet been officially confirmed, but the tracking devices “will also be innovatively applied to the keys of all school vehicles” according to Gabriel Naheehs, head of school maintenance, a move that will “end the other epidemic problem at the school, that of missing keys.”
The new tracking system is also expected to reduce instances of student’s borrowing or sharing nalgenes, a practice that forms a major health concern during the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic, as the school can “track when a nalgene is not in a room or vehicle its supposed to be in,” making it easy, according to Ciwoknot, “to rectify such situations.”