Lander, WY – Wyoming Catholic College administration took a sharply progressive turn over the past week as Bernie Sanders took over the school’s Financial Office and has made several major changes to the school’s accounting, Financial Aid, and work-study policies.
The former presidential candidate and current Senator from Vermont has been at WCC for the last several months, primarily in assisting Kyle Clement in teaching the school’s horsemanship program, but it appears the self-proclaimed “democratic socialist” wasn’t ready to “fully settle down and retire out here with the animals” yet. “Frankly, horses can’t be socialistic enough for my taste,” Bernie said. “And by golly, Clement sure wasn’t enough either. We got along, but I always lost him at preternatural empire and he lost me at ‘soak the rich’.”
However, he’s now got a new opportunity to get along even better, as WCC administration was happy to have his help at the extremely hectic and busy Financial Office. “I like getting things done, especially with regard to justice, and the Financial Office gives me so many opportunities to fight for justice.”
Bernie’s first move as head of the Financial Office at WCC was “finally launching unemployment benefits for all students.” Rather than having to continue work-study jobs for the rest of the semester and “slave away for big business” Bernie says the office “will now not require any students to work for the final two weeks of the semester while extending full unemployment benefits at 100% of regular pay rates.”
A “living wage” for all students was also instituted by Bernie’s administration, setting all student employees to receive full pay even if they “for some reason don’t fulfill all their hours. We want everyone to not have to worry at all about working,” he said in an official all-school email outlining his plans Tuesday.
All students will also receive a free “ten hour work credit” even if they don’t work at all, while Bernie’s also pushing to give raises to all work-study employees to supervisor pay levels in order to “make this community as a whole the best democratic socialist freshmen anarchy peaceful protest zone possible.”
Unfortunately, since nobody is working next week, no food is expected to be provided to students, all buildings are expected to reach record levels of clutter and filth, and all appliances will break and never be fixed for any time in the foreseeable future.
Only Theo Benz is expected to continue working in the midst of the new “socialist society future” Bernie Sanders promises for WCC.