Lander, WY – Freshmen at Wyoming Catholic College faced the greatest shock of their lives this week with the incredible and unexpected discovery that the antiquated and illiberal activity of studying would be required of them. “I came to WCC to sleep, dang it,” said one anonymous freshman, his face pale with confusion. “What do they expect us to do, carry all those heavy books they gave us downtown every day?”

According to junior Dr. Ezekial Baur of Michigan, the school’s psychologist, nearly 50% of the freshmen of the Class of 2024 have been displaying symptoms akin to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) with the arrival of syllabi for their classes this semester earlier this week. However, symptoms worsened when a few freshmen accidentally cracked open their copy of Euclid’s Elements. Two of the three freshmen in the room fainted at the sight of propositions they would be expected to understand and memorize for their Geometry course this semester. And to make matters even worse, the weight of the copy of Herodutus’s The Histories alone has reportedly already caused several freshmen to develop back problems.

However a few strong souls among the freshmen are managing to hang on to a little bit of sanity by focusing all their mental energies on contemplation of the Gymonpoetics course. “Eating food and watching a Western movie can’t be that brain cracking,” one told IIT. “At least that course will be nice.”

Meanwhile, seniors are working twenty-three hours a day on their orations and still finding time to hang out for hours with each other in the school’s bar, The Pequod, and are “not the slightest bit stressed at all, not even” according to senior Ujnir Tenehc of Virginia.