Holy Sanitizer

Vatican City – Amidst continued concerns over the coronavirus pandemic, Pope Francis has issued a motu proprio, sources close to him reveal, allowing Holy Water to be dispensed as a 50-50 blend with hand sanitizer. “People everywhere are more concerned about the cleanliness of their hands than of their souls,” a source close to the announcement told IIT, “and in the current pandemic landscape we think it totally makes sense to replace antiquated pure blends of Holy Water alone, which is frankly unsanitary, with cool new scented seasonal blends of Holy Water, hand sanitizer, and moisturizing agents.”

The new blend will cleanse both the soul and the body between its composing substances, making it perfect for the modern world as “the first truly all-around cleaner ever”, our source added.

The new blend will be exclusively produced by a new Vatican company named ChurchMerch Enterprises and distributed as “Holy Sanitizer” with dispensers that look just like traditional hand sanitizer dispensers. Mass attendees will use Holy Sanitizer instead of pure Holy Water each time they enter or exit a church building as the Vatican slowly aims to make usage of the new blended fluid mandatory by the end of 2021.

It’s expected that Pope Francis, who is reportedly “ecstatic” over the new announcement will also announce other related changes to the liturgy in the coming months, including the permanent replacement of the Sign of Peace with a “reflective, inspirational new rite called ‘Pass the Purell”. “We may even have someone carry up a bottle of hand sanitizer with the offerings since Hand Sanitizer is really one of the greatest gifts we can give to each other, and therefore to God,” another commentator within the Vatican reported.