Yes, first things first, I know Dr. Bolin denied it last night. But isn’t that what he would say if he didn’t want people knowing that Billy Bob was the one who stole his prized rock collection? Now you might be thinking to yourself, why would Dr. Bolin not want you to know that Billy Bob was the one who took his rocks? For if Billy Bob did steal rocks predicated towards Dr. Bolin in the category of relation as being possessed by the Wyoming Catholic College philosophy and mathematics professor, it would seem obvious, based on the mere definition of “steal” alone, that Dr. Bolin would want justice. Justice would seem to entail Billy Bob having to return the rocks he stole, make restitution, and, likely, be punished for said theft. However, in this case, it’s obvious that Billy Bob only stole the rocks from Dr. Bolin because he was paid to do so by Dr. Bolin.
It’s all part of the grand conspiracy. Let me explain. You see Dr. Bolin knew that people were thinking too critically and too closely about the absolutely massive WCC conspiracy. People like us here at IIT were closing in on the truth. So Dr. Bolin, as part of the conspiracy, had to determine a way to throw people off the scent. What better way to do this than to lecture about how conspiracy theories shouldn’t be trusted? And what better way to present an argument than to offer an example of a “so-called” conspiracy theory example that students, particularly gullible freshmen, could relate to and understand say like “Billy Bob stole my rocks”.
But in this case, if Billy Bob didn’t actually steal Dr. Bolin’s rocks but was merely said to have done so for the sake of the example account, then, by postulating a conspiracy theory about Billy Bob and then attempting to refute it, Dr. Bolin, would in effect, be spreading and perpetuating a conspiracy theory, something that would go against the stated purpose of his lecture, as it would be false in the sense that Billy Bob was actually innocent. Besides, Dr. Bolin saying he had a theory that someone, someone else mind you, was guilty of something, appears to just about everyone to be a super obvious case of attempting to throw people off the scent of the WCC conspiracy. It would make the average student in the audience absolutely sure that Dr. Bolin was up to something with his talk about conspiracy theories and his making one up, even if he actually refuted it later. So Dr. Bolin had to persuade Billy Bob to steal his rocks so that the conspiracy theory he would be spreading would actually be true to reality, making it in some sense not a conspiracy theory in the sense that Dr. Bolin defined such theories in his lecture. Instead, by telling a story that was true to life, Dr. Bolin would not be perpetuating conspiracy theories in the sense in which he had defined them but rather would only be confusing the matter even more by presenting conspiracy theories as potentially related to a whole slew of different and contradictory levels of truth and falsity. This creates (and did create last night) a situation in which the audience, confused, would give up entirely on considering conspiracy theories with any sense of certitude or trust, therefore leaving Dr. Bolin and the WCC conspiracy itself just that much safer from being revealed and understood.
Understand any of that? Nah, neither did I. But the important point to note is that Billy Bob did steal Dr. Bolin’s rocks. And he hid them in his backyard. And he was wearing pink sneakers while he stole them from Dr. Bolin, a task for which he was paid about $50 which Billy Bob is spending tonight on alcohol from Crux After-Hours. Understand of course that while I have seen none of the above nor do I have any empirical evidence for these claims, what I’m saying is obviously what someone in Dr. Bolin’s position would have done. Therefore I believe what I’m saying and you should too! The more conspiracy theories there are out there in the world, the greater the chance that at least one of them is true. So by spreading this conspiracy theory on top of the general WCC conspiracy theory that I’ve been investigating for years, the Dr. Bolin is Pope Pius XII conspiracy theory, the Sextus is the real villain of Lingua Latina conspiracy theory, the Dr. Holmes wrote the Compendium Theologiae conspiracy theory, the Super-Flex conspiracy theories (there are actually several), or the Pako is Homer conspiracy theory, means that at least one of my theories is actually true. And I focus on the words “at least”. I think those are the most important. It means that all of my conspiracy theories could actually be true. And since I think they’re all true, I think that means that they are all true. And I think you should think the same.