Palo Alto, CA – The popular online payment system PayPal released updated terms of service today that includes “drone enforcement” against “wrong-think” and “mandatory time in a company-owned prison” for any users who “spread, believe, or ponder” anything that the company considers to be “misinformation.”

“Here at PayPal, we believe every person has the right to participate fully in the global economy,” said the company’s CEO Anyu Thiel. “Today that means responsible commonsense corporate policies against misinformation, wrong-think, and individuals thinking for themselves. It means services like sending drones to target any users who spend money with the wrong businesses or imprisoning business owners. This is 2022 and we’re so proud to be taking the bold actions required to support a more just, fair, equitable, and tolerant society like locking up those who disagree with our corporate political stances and charging them for the time they mandatorily spend in our company-owned prison.”

Facebook meanwhile plans to match or even exceed PayPal’s moves to be more tolerant and equitable with a full literal “Re-Education Army” that will be deployed in special military actions to counter any misinformation or wrong-think discovered on its network.

Anyone who disagrees with either of these necessary corporate actions is obviously a racist bigot spreading misinformation and will automatically be sent by PayPal’s or Facebook’s enforcement mechanisms to a minimum of several years of imprisonment by either organization.