Washington D.C. – United States’ Defense Secretary Austin Powers announced today that “the U.S. will be imposing the strongest pumpkin spice sanctions ever on Russian pumpkin spice oligarchs and donating another $100 billion dollars to Ukraine” after the nation recently led three days of relentless bombing over Ukrainian pumpkin spice fields.
“We cannot allow Russia to threaten the world pumpkin spice market by such terror,” commented Secretary Powers. “Russia’s recent airstrikes have irreparably harmed white girls around the world and unless we give Ukraine $100 billion dollars more and impose the “toughest ever” sanctions on Russia, the Russian orcs will starve the world of pumpkin spice until fascists like Trump are elected again. We cannot let Russia dominate and destroy the pumpkin spice market.”
However, Russian foreign minister Sergey Soluichuy claimed the recent airstrikes were both a necessary retaliation against Ukraine for its recent attack on a Russian bridge but were also strategically essential to destroy Ukranian pumpkin spice harvests before “Russian girls also become addicted to this terrifying mind-altering drug or Ukrainians use it to develop unstoppable genetically altered super soldiers.”
But President Biden chimed in, “Back in my day Jack, we used to pick the pumpkin spice by hand until we were sweating. Then I would go in and put on some sunscreen, oil my back, and then let me till you what, ice cream used to be cheaper than gasoline. Pumpkin spice we used to put in both, and, boy oh boy, did it work. Sometimes the pumpkin spice was even drunk straight, but running from the Russians to our castles on the hill tired me and my buddies out so much that we had to add some whiskey to it. That was where my brother died, right there on that hill defending Kyiv from the Russian tanks with nothing but a handful of pumpkin spice and a bottle of whiskey. And that’s why we need to defend the Ukranian pumpkin spice market by giving them another $200 thousand trillion dollars.”
Republicans critiqued this statement, questioning Biden’s fitness to rule when he “spouts such boku,” but Democrats rushed to defend the president, claiming Biden was “telling a metaphor about the dangers of Russian aggression” while independent fact-checkers confirmed that “a handful of pumpkin spice and a bottle of whiskey” are “great tools for defending Kyiv from Russian attack.”
But Russian president Vladimir Putin claiming that “this provides even more reason for why we had to defend the noble fatherland and its ideals against NATO’s dangerous pumpkin spice.”
U.S. congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (or A.O.C. if you prefer) objected to these statements, claiming on Twitter that Putin’s comments show him to “Be biggoter than a bigot. How dare he say fatherland and not a peaceful affirming term like ‘nonbirthingpersonland.'”
Meanwhile in Italy, prime minister Georgia Meloni urged citizens to stay calm. “Pumpkin spice is not an essential commodity. We have wine, we have faith, and we have whiskey. We’ll be fine.”
However, A.O.C. claims that Meloni’s comments about pumpkin spice not being an essential commodity are “unacceptably misogynistic” and that the U.S. “should send Ukraine $10 billion dollars in reparations to repair the damage caused by these words. “Besides,” she added, “these comments prove even more my suspicions that Meloni is a Russian agent. Anyone who thinks things will be fine when the world ended ten years ago due to climate change is a bigoted Russian sympathizer.
A.O.C later added that Ukraine should be sent a further $50 billion dollars to “deal with the effects of climate change on its unemployed indigenous transgender pumpkin spice marketing social media influencers.”
The far-reaching effects of the Russian pumpkin spice airstrikes can be felt even here in Lander, Wyoming, where favorite local coffee shop Crux Coffee was forced to turn to artificial flavors this week for its line of pumpkin spice-flavored drinks, leaving dozens of white girls at local liberal arts school Wyoming Catholic College stricken with pumpkin-spice-withdrawal syndrome (PSWS).
The U.S. sanctions on Russia are now “the toughest ever and the most we can impose”, which will remain the case until next week, when new, “toughest ever” sanctions will be announced that will also be “the most we could ever impose.”