Bethesda, MD – American mega-military contractor Lockheed Martin has been awarded the 2022 Nobel Peace Prize for its work helping to “advance peace around the world.”
“We’d like to thank Lockheed Martin for its work in developing ever more peaceful military bombers, peaceful rockets, peaceful laser weaponry, and committing itself corporately to supporting more ever more peaceful conflicts around the globe,” said Nobel Committee chair Sevl Severperson. “Lockheed is nothing but a force for peace around the globe and beyond, with its new plans on the horizon to launch peaceful nuclear missiles into space.”
When Severperson is queried about why the Nobel Committee saw Lockheed in particular as a force for peace as opposed to its many competitors in the aerospace and weaponry industries, he commented that “Lockheed won the prize because the particularly deadly effectiveness of its weapons make them incredible first-strike tools for leaders around the world who want to start wars. Since, according to the philosopher, wars are fought, and started, for the sake of peace, Lockheed’s deadly weapons effectiveness makes them the most peaceful force out there.”
Raytheon and Boeing have objected to this statement, claiming that they should have won the Nobel Peace Prize instead, because “our weapons are deadlier.”
Meanwhile, in unrelated news, Lockheed’s stock price is up due to fears over nuclear war, “which is actually rather peaceful and not as scary as you might think,” according to a Lockheed spokesman.