Washington D.C. – U.S Secretary of State Eye-Lids Blinkin announced that the United States would soon be imposing “the toughest-ever sanctions against Russian pop-culture Fyodor Dostoevsky due to, first and foremost, his being Russian, and, secondly, his views on guilt, redemption, government and democracy.

“How can all be guilty before all for all?” questioned Blinkin. “That would mean that the U.S. is guilty of something, which, is a horrible alt-right antidemocratic Putinist thought. We must do everything in our power to prevent people from embracing such a radical embrace of charity and humility.”

“That’s why we’re not just banning and burning all of Dostoevsky’s books throughout America but we’re going after the big guy himself, with a ten-part sanction plan that’s the roughest and toughest we’ve ever instituted,” Blinkin added. “Dostoevsky won’t be able to earn a cent, or a rouble, or an FTX coin after we’re through with him.”

“Yeah Jack,” chimed in President Biden. “Ol Fyodr’s gonna have to choose between critiquing the noble principles of democracy and eating. He’s gonna have to wave an old chain like, like, you know the thing…”

Blinkin expects the sanctions will force Russian President Vladmir Putin to immediately cave and end his invasion of Ukraine. “Vlad’s running his whole war effort solely on the profits from the pop-culture icon Dostoevsky. Without the share of the Dostoevsky royalties that we know he and his cronies get he’ll run out of money by the end of the week.”

These sanctions are expected to be the toughest ever declared by the U.S. That is, until next week, when the Biden administration expects to announce further sanctions against Dostoevsky and his associates.

The Biden administration also declined to comment on exactly what the ten-part plan.