Washington D.C. – At a press briefing today, United States President Biden announced that the U.S., through the Center for Disease Control (CDC) and Center for the Study of Unidentified Aerial Phenomena (CSUAP) would be instituting a national UFO lockdown to keep everyone safe and stop the spread of dangerous close encounters between aliens. This comes after several tense weeks of the U.S. military shooting down UFOs over North America, and strong public fears that an alien attack is forthcoming.

“Listen Jack,” said Biden in the announcement, “This is a national health emergency. If them Martians get you, you’re worse off than Corn Pop after I’ve wrapped a chain around his neck. Look, folks, we can’t take any chances with these UFOs. We need to stop them in their tracks before they take over our planet. Listen, here’s the deal. I want every one of you to stay home so you don’t get abducted by the aliens. Folks, just two weeks to stop the spread, stay home, stay safe.”

According to American immunologist Dr. Anthony Fauci, current head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID), “this approach is evidence and science-based, and will lead to millions of lives saved from dangerous UFO encounters. Remember, I am the science,” he added.

“We can beat this thing, folks,” said Biden. “We just need to come together as a nation and show those UFOs who’s boss. Two weeks is all it will take to stop the spread and save our planet.”

The lockdown will begin tomorrow, and last for two weeks, with the potential for an extension should safety conditions require it. All non-essential travel is discouraged and all “non-essential” businesses will, to varying degrees according to local and state laws be required to close or, “operate via government-certified UFO-proof business measures.”

“Stay home, stay safe,” the CDC urges.

U.S. pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced they are working on an “anti-UFO vaccine for quick distribution” that several state governors have already proposed, “is the only way out of this pandemic of UFO encounters.”