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Becoming a virtuous human is a difficult and arduous task for the average college student to undertake. Even at Wyoming Catholic College where students actually undertake to become virtuous humans, the task is difficult and arduous. Because of my expertise at undertaking virtue in all walks of life, Everett Polinski has invited me to collaborate with IIT’s Ethics Experts┬« to streamline the process of becoming an ethical human at Wyoming Catholic College.

The Author Undertaking Virtue as a Young Student

True virtue consists in developing good habits, and good habits come from knowing how to act in a situation. As Aristotle so aptly stated, acting rightly is achieved by imitating the practically wise man. For this reason, I am confident in my ability to teach the tender and unlearned students of this college how to act ethically in every given situation.

Given Situation #1: You have a dry erase marker, do you use the board or the table? Obviously, since Euclidean geometry is the highest form of beauty besides Erma Fenwick, you should leave it permanently on the porous table surface for future classes to admire. Whether the table will last to see future classes is not a question of ethics, but something you should ask flex… Actually, you probably shouldn’t if you want to last to see future classes.

Given Situation #2: Student Life has devised a new scheme to make everybody’s life miserable, and have posted instructions for the students to follow. Do you read the signs or not? Obviously, since you have already been assigned several thousand pages for your homework, anymore reading is more cruelty. Besides your doctor said that reading was bad for your eyes, so you shouldn’t read either the sign or your homework. This is presuming that you noticed the sign already, which is a symptom of ethical failure.

Given Situation #3: You’re eating in Frassati lounge… Perfection at this virtue can be achieved by removing dishes from the dish-pit and hiding them in various places around the room. If all the students achieved perfection at this virtue, the smell might improve.

A corollary to this virtue is learning how to leave personal items in public spaces. This makes the college feel more homey and down to earth. It also makes any visitors feel like they accidentally walked into someone’s laundry room or an art history museum. There are even guided tours. I once overheard a student life work study student pointing out the college’s own collection of Janson’s Art History. “Wyoming Catholic College,” he boasted, “has taken it upon itself to buy all the copies of this book and store them in our library.” “How interesting,” the visitor replied yawning, “is there any particular reason why they are kept above the mailboxes?” “Well, to be honest,” Odid replied, “we keep them wherever we can; there’s at least one copy in the basement. Let me show you.”

Odid Whiffy nearly achieved perfection at leaving his personal possessions at random locations around the school. I once even found his ipod in the Student Life Office. Not even The Director was sure how it got there.

Besides situational awareness, there are certain rules that every WCC student should be careful to follow:

Rule #1: Leave the door open at Frassati. If you leave it closed, the smell might fumigate the flies, which would defeat the purpose of the building.

Rule #2: Keep keys to school vehicles where they won’t get lost. A pocket or a backpack is an excellent place.

Rule #3: Always keep an excellent excuse on hand in case you’re late for class. Such as, “my boyfriend broke his arm,” or “I broke up with my boyfriend,” or “I broke my ex-boyfriend’s arm,” or “I was feeding the flies in Frassati.”

Corollary: Never be late for class. It is much better to not show up in the first place. Why would you pay to sit through a lecture on Greek Art when you can go sledding for free? Honestly, are you a blockhead?