A new centuries old paining was discovered in Washington D.C’s Smithsonian Museum this week and it appears to connect Wyoming Catholic College’s president Dr. Glenn Arbery to the American Revolution. At first, when a cleaning crew accidentally uncovered the painting stored in a back closet of the museum, they didn’t see any obvious meaning to the image. It was just a man on a horse in 18th century dress holding a hat to one side.Nothing seemed identifiable to the image, the apparent signature of the painter blurred, the proportions non-Vetruvian, and not even Heideggerian.
But before shifting the painting back to an “unclassified” storage area of the building, one person decided to take a closer look. Dr. Jason Retxab, a world-renowned art expert happened to be in Washington D.C. and visiting the Smithsonian when he came across the curator talking about the image and asked for a look. Immediately recognizing patterns of light and dark, the techniques the artist used in each individual stroke, and the exact details of the face, he was able not only to emphatically identify the mysterious horseman but connect the picture to the famous “Washington Crossing the Deleware” painting we all know about.
“You see,” Retxab reported, “this is Dr. Glenn Arbery in what is most definitely a long lost companion image to the famed ‘Washington Crossing the Delaware’ painting. Dr. Arbery is watching the crossing as he prepares to get into a second boat to follow, proving my long lasting theory that Dr. Arbery was part of the American Revolution itself. You can see it in the colors, the weather, the stylist techniques of proportional unity trickling down and out from the brush like the flame of Odysseus in Dante’s Inferno but with the beauty of Beatrice’s hair.”
Several other investigators are slightly more skeptical than Dr. Retxab, with one CNN commentator claiming that, “it’s all a hoax. How can anyone get so much out of a single painting which could be a forgery anyway? How come he’s so sure its Arbery? How come he knows it’s connected to that old painting?”
However as Dr. Jason Retxab went on to describe the painting’s beauty as “shining forth as a Dantean spark of incidental beauty dropping us into libertarian-esque gradations of anti-domestication so that we approach a cosmos enchanted by a connection of those we love to the heroes of political ancestry almost as if we ourselves are viewing both in a single image as on the hypouranium plain,” most news organizations have been so completely impressed by the ethos of Dr. Retxab that they’re running full-force with his claim and trying to uncover exactly how Dr. Arbery made his way into the American Revolution more than two centuries ago.
“I always knew he was a time-traveler,” one Fox News commentator suggested, while another news source suggests that “aliens were involved.” However, no one has yet questioned Dr. Arbery or anyone else at WCC for that matter yet about the apparent discovery, nor has Dr. Arbery commented about it of his own accord.
Dr. Retxab claims on closer inspection of the “Washington Crossing the Delaware” image itself to have found Dr. Virginia Arbery standing in the background, Dr. Pavlos Papadopoulos in one of the boats, and even Professor Hodkinson off in the distance in the British camp. “If you actually take the time to look at the image under a microscope like I chanced to do, the image explodes like one of the internal organs of a Trojan soldier who happened to bear the gaze of Achilles would or as a mouse before the talons of an eagle…”*
*Several more similes followed, but we cut down the quote for the sake of brevity