Rapid City, SD – When Shaun Kirrel, head of the park police for South Dakota’s Mt. Rushmore National Monument watched the sunrise this morning, something looked different. The right number of faces showed up carved on the rock face as usual, four of them, but one of them looked different. The carving of Thomas Jefferson was missing, with the face of a smiling woman in his place. Of course Shaun immediately checked in with all the other night watchmen, checked the security cameras, and even checked his memory. But nothing. Somehow, in the night, someone had carved, silently, a new face into the rock. Who’s was it?
He didn’t know. Nobody knew. And so the mysterious headline “Mt. Rushmore Mysteriously Defaced With New Carving Replacing Jefferson” entered this morning’s news, with theories as to who it portrays and who carved it ranging from aliens to Kanye West to Shaun Kirrel himself.
But when the news reached Lander, WY home of Wyoming Catholic College and its Humanities and Political Philosophy professor Dr. Virginia Arbery at least part of the answer became obvious, Dr. Virginia had somehow made it on to Mt. Rushmore. Reportedly she was as shocked as everyone else around the country at the new carving, and even more to so to see her picture there, carved in stone, but denies any connection to or knowledge of why, how, or who carved it. But WCC students IIT interviewed do say that her presence in the monument, while, as Sophia Donaldson puts it, “is a total surprise, is also very fitting, given her love of politics, government, and the like.”
Similar inquiries were made by the National Park Service and the FBI to several of her colleagues at Wyoming Catholic College but everyone questioned has similarly disclaimed all responsibility for or knowledge of the event. Neither, however, has anyone any other clues, such as tools, rock fragments from the carving below its base, etc., nor were there even any witnesses to the change, which must have taken place overnight with no one present within a radius of miles other than Shaun Kirrel’s team. The FBI and the Park Service continue to investigate.
According to some social media reports, two WCC graduates reportedly claimed responsibility for the carving, Ian Whitless, and Ryan Darius. However, these claims have since been debunked by Snopes.com which produced evidence showing that both were in bars during the entire night-time period over which the carving must have been made.