It’ll look something like this. Ok, only a little like this. No, I mean nothing like this.

Lander, WY – Lander’s Wyoming Catholic College is at again with plans to launch a new museum somewhere on its sprawling campus to honor the school’s storied last fifteen years of adventures and memorabilia. According to the school’s executive vice president Saul H. Ciwoknot, “freshmen coming to campus for the first time at WCC don’t often realize enough the grandeur and history they are joining by coming here. Simply put, that needs to change.” Students (and others) need to see WCC’s history by seeing the objects that make it up, and Ciwoknot has an easy way to this happen: a museum.

Although a final location has not yet been sent, there “are all sorts of things around campus that need to be set aside and memorialized for not only all students and graduates, but even visitors and pilgrims from across the country and the world to behold,” Ciwoknot adds. Take the piece of glass Professor Cleanut broke when climbing on the roof trying to enter his locked office. It’s over five years, old, cracked, and shattered like the relic it is, and according to a current high-ranking school administrator “definitely something that everyone will want to see.”

Bloodstains left-over from a dorm-raid are also “a piece of our history” reported St. Athanasius’ military commander. “Symbolizing our victory over the barbarians, they need to be set aside as a trophy of the dominance of our virtue over the uncultured enemy,” he added.

The famous poster of John Wayne revered by members of St. Athanasius Dormitory, “also needs more protection” according to the dorm’s prefect, “so it would make sense to put it under armed guard in a new school museum for all to admire,” he suggested.

How about also the marker that the first student to present the Death Star proposition at WCC used? The pen used by Dr. Mortensen to give a student his first grade? The first piece of pizza produced by Saturday crew, ever? The backpack Scott Seargeant carried on the famous trip he led to the Grand Canyon? The first ELP binder ever printed? A specimen of the oldest grease from the Frassati Dishpit? Wyatt Klein’s first work-study timesheet? Joseph Fredriksson’s longboard?

There are all sorts of options, and Ciwoknot says the school has “begun compiling artifacts for the new museum’s collection already.” While a curator for the museum has not yet selected, junior James Green is in the running, as well as seniors Benjamin Bridge and Christopher Carter. Parker Eidle, due to his longtime presence at the school, having as a student personally met and interacted with every class from the Class of 2014 to the Class of 2023, “would have been a great option for the position”, but according to Ciwoknot, “will himself be one of the prime exhibits, so we don’t want him to have to be both at once.”

Other items and exhibits already planned to be in the collection include:

  • The first key to a school vehicle that somebody lost
  • The 10,000th wag-bag collected on Outdoor Leadership Program (OLP) trips by students
  • A whiteboard marker belonging to William Albers
  • One of Andrew Russell’s many “wedding rings”, or, that is, pretzel chips.
  • A box of random items belonging to Cyril Patton
  • Memorabilia from the engagement of Jerenellaque
  • Copies of every Work-Study student’s time-sheet ever (It will also serve to save space in the financial office if all these student records are moved)
  • Grounds from the first coffee bean used in Crux Coffee
  • A relic of one of Ruth Kress’s head-shawls
  • A speck of paint from Tom Tyznik’s truck
  • A picture of Dr. Kwasniewski
  • Chris Carter’s first juggling pins
  • Some of Dr. Grove’s rocks (of course)
  • Assorted lost Nalgene water bottles dating back to the school’s prehistory
  • A blade of grass touched by two (now-married) graduates from Mt. Hope Cemetery
  • A half-eaten powerball that may or may not have been carried past the same spot that a Milligan may once have trod in the Teton Wilderness
  • Anselm’s “Purcellville Fire 5” hat (long believed to be lost)
  • …and anything discovered of interest in the school’s Lost and Found boxes across campus

A final name and location for the museum have not yet been set, but the school’s dean, Professor Cleanut, wants the museum “open and fully operational by this coming March.”