Jackson, WY – A series of shocking revelations during the 2022 Winter Trip left participants and leaders alike chilled… well, more than usual. In the course of the week, our informants received MAJOR updates to the Canadian Conspiracy, changing everything we thought we knew about our school, our seasons, and our non-existent northern neighbors.
It was once believed that the Canadian students were scheming to make WCC an institution exclusively for Canadians, but the truth is far more sinister. They want to transform all American students into Canadians, too – and they claim that they’ve been doing so successfully for years.
Participants were mind-blown to realize that the annual Freshman Winter Trip is the key to this nefarious subversive scheme. No one expected such a massive exposé, though Kolya Sidloski, one of the two officially revealed Canadians of the freshman class, made no efforts to hide his unusually enthusiastic anticipation. “I’ve got to show this American snow what a Canadian can do”, he said with a gleam in his eye, as he first thrust his shovel into the snow. Other members of his group report that he would have single-handedly built both of their quinzhees, had not their leaders intervened.
Luckily for us, Kolya felt so at home in the suspiciously Canadian-like weather that he leaked answers like a faucet which somehow didn’t freeze. “You see, ‘Canadian’ is not an ethnicity, not a nationality, but more like a way of life,” he explained. Expanding on this, he listed three common activities which this Canadian ‘way of life’ entails: “speaking Latin, talking English, and shoveling snow.” When grilled, however, Kolya admitted that this list was not exhaustive, only what came to mind immediately. It is unclear what percentage of “Canadian” these aspects make up.
He also implied that the ability to walk on water is unique to Canadians. Though this statement seems ridiculous, consider that snow is another form of water. This all means that Winter Trip encompasses many traditional Canadian activities. “Latin, English, and snow – that’s practically all we do on this trip!” cried Ben Blanchard. As co-lead of Kolya’s group, Ben unfortunately came to the conclusion that he has been a ‘Southern Canadian’ for an entire year without knowing it.
His distressed cry could purportedly be heard echoing off the Tetons every ten minutes, as he discovered some new way in which he was more Canadian than previously thought. By the end of the day, it was a simple, non-negotiable fact. “The evidence was undeniable,” Ben said, defeated.
“Ben displayed all the classic symptoms of Canadian niceness,” added Kolya.
Meanwhile, freshmen feared that their American citizenships were in danger. The witch hunt had begun, and it spared no one. Canadian sympathizers were found everywhere, their fate sealed by long-buried evidence. Some came under suspicion for voluntarily rooming with Canadians. Others, including the entire Collins dynasty, were revealed to have Canadian blood.
Some individuals framed by bloodline protested and tried to distance themselves from Canadian relatives. However, it seems that maple syrup runs thicker than blood. “Heritage is useful, but ultimately irrelevant,” Kolya said, before dropping the most disturbing revelation of all. “Believe it or not, quinzees are ‘Canadian incubators’.”
“Go in American, come out Canadian. That’s aboot all there is to it,” Kolya said nonchalantly. He claimed that all it takes is two nights sleeping in a quinzhee to transform all but the most stubborn Americans. This threw leaders and participants alike into a panic, as leaders realized that they might have been ‘practically Canadian’ for years now. Meanwhile, freshmen deliberated which would be worse: surviving the night but becoming Canadians, or turning into stubborn American popsicles outside of the quinzhees.
While sophomore co-leads and WFRs went through the various stages of grief (especially denial), returning leaders lamented their unwitting participation in the Conspiracy. “How did we get to this point?” an anonymous leader wondered, “How long have we been exposing our young and innocent freshmen to their foreign customs while their minds are still fragile? Even the most patriotic might waver when, marveling at the beauty on a night ski, they are informed that the same sky looms over Canada.”
When these details were brought before COR staff members for consideration, a long, tense pause fell over the table. Glancing nervously at Dr. Zimmer, Karl Eby said, “Well, at this rate, maybe we’d better call it ‘Canadian Immersion Trip’ next year.” They neglected to comment on whether the emphasis on so many Canadian activities was intentional.
The question that remains is… Who’s behind all this?
Kolya claims full responsibility, but a little too readily. Though his outspoken Canadian bias makes him the obvious target, he’s simply too young and new on the scene to be behind it all. No, Kolya is a false front, a diversion, a red-and-white-and-maple-leafed herring; the true masterminds of the Conspiracy are already well established in our community. They are none other than the Wizeney family.
It explains so much. Janelle, abandoning her cult scheme, rediverted her focus to pursuing only one man. Through her “Saskatchawanean wiles” she secured Jerimiah Baur and, by extent, gained significant influence in COR, one of the most powerful branches of the college. Anthony arrived more recently to organize the troops. Moreover, another Wizeney, largely unknown to the WCC community, was sighted in Lander just a few days prior to the Winter Trip. His sudden appearance in the midst of trip prep was too convenient to be a coincidence. Still, the fact that he claimed to attend TAC is worrisome – are the Canadians somehow in league with our rival? Or does the Conspiracy extend further than we feared?
It’s hard to say with the current information – especially when the masterminds are keeping quiet. Anthony, when asked directly, “Do you admit to the Canadian Conspiracy?”, innocently replied with a knowing grin, “What conspiracy?” Meanwhile, Janelle managed affairs in the front country, and all the other Wizeneys are scheming from afar… so far as we know. Honestly, we’re not even sure how many of them are involved, or how many there are to begin with, or how many more there will be soon.
What we do know is that the “clandestine and in plain sight campaign” is beginning to come to full fruition. American loyalists are scratching their heads and wondering how this one slipped under our noses. Some blame “Canadian induced snow-blindness”.
But there’s a glaring issue here: We all know that Canada doesn’t exist. Unless… we’ve been lied to. Yes, lies heaped upon lies have obscured the truth of this concerning Conspiracy. We can no longer live in such darkness. The time has come to expose Dr. Bolin for what he is: a first-rate Canadian conspirator. His exhaustive proof has all along been a sophistic masterpiece of propaganda produced in order to downplay the threat of the Conspiracy. Cornered, he admitted: “It’s still unclear whether Canada, the nation, exists, but we know for sure that Canadians do. Just look around you – they’re everywhere!” Examining Bolin’s original proof, we see that this statement is not inconsistent. It remains yet unclear whether Bolin’s hand was forced to write such propaganda, or whether he was somehow bribed, perhaps by an enticing offer of Canadian citizenship.
Regardless, while the wool… err, snow was pulled over our eyes, the Canadian women have seduced our most American men in the highest positions! As Janelle secured COR, she encouraged MaryAnne Spiess and the Duggan sisters to infiltrate other branches. Now MaryAnne has the Ranch nearly under her control, through Theo Benz. Emma and Caitlin’s involvement in the Kitchen is not to be downplayed; though their ultimate targets are unclear, the Kitchen may simply be a springboard for higher positions, as it was for Janelle.
Though the women will deny their schemes, the pattern is sealed by one Canadian woman who has more influence than all of them. She is none other than Dean Kyle Washut’s wife. What sort of subversive propaganda has she introduced into our academics through her husband’s position?? Does his Canadian sympathies affect his involvement in other areas too?
Brethren, we must revisit the plans to invade and conquer Canada before it is too late! Whispered rumors suggest that the original battle plans may have escaped the notice of Canadians, who shun Janitorial work and have not yet infiltrated the Admissions Team. These documents may yet exist, safely sealed in some closet known only to these two branches. Complete takeover may be our only hope of preventing ubiquitous Canadianism… if it is not too late already.
Stay tuned for a press conference with Ben Blanchard on How it Feels to Be a Southern Canadian.