Lander, WY – After a terrible attack upon his life, honor, and mental health under the formality of being offered a glass of lemonade unknowingly spiked with the compound known as salt, local citizen Parker G. Eidle announced his intention today to run for president of Wyoming Catholic College. A “spur of the moment decision” as he admitted in a later interview with us at IIT, Parker’s decision was still “the culmination of years of pent up reflection, external demands, and the needs of the moment.
Inaugurating his campaign before a packed crowd of hundreds immediately following the attack made on his life by being offered salty lemonade, Pako made his case for change, justice, and common sense in what even the Pigeonhole newspaper says was a “rousing and unexpected delivery of rhetoric:
“Today, September 8th in the Year of Our Lord, Two-Thousand-and-Nineteen, I, Parker G. Eidle, was assaulted in the Frassati cafeteria by a certain Christopher Carson. From the attack which used lemonade spiked to hallucination-inducing levels by salt, I suffered injuries, emotionally, physically, and culturally. This type of behavior, all too common to danger-filled Frassati, cannot go on any longer in these which should be our sacred grounds.
“Let it be known, fellow countryman, fellow students, fellow friends, that in order to halt this travesty and perhaps bring justice to a land crying to be reborn, that I will now officially be running for the presidency of Wyoming Catholic College. My campaign for this justice that I know you all want, will rely heavily on the basic premise of drinks in our Frassati, only the best drinks in our Frassati and no assault on our drinks!
“On the other grave matter facing our community as a whole, the question of modernizing our antiquated idea of a “curfew” and the rules that are linked to the essence of this concept, I say, as an insomniac, that I will stand with my fellow insomniacs. I will push tirelessly for curfew extensions for everyone so that the creative genius of those who can not, will not, or refuse to sleep at night might be extended from merely their dorms to instead enlighten the rest of Lander and the rest of society.
“Thank you, my fellow classmates, both in my class and beyond. Thank you, Lander. Thank you ‘Merica. And thanks to the Arbery’s for years of service to our community. I respect you all and thank you all, but let’s make everything even better. It’s so simple: We want drinks in our Frassati, only the best drinks in our Frassati and no assault on our drinks!
“That’s why I’m running. That’s why I need to run. Thomas Urgo, my pick for vice-president of this fair school, and I believe in WCC and what it can be. We just need to make a few accidental changes, secure justice for everyone and their posterity and allow the creative spirit of everyone to be unleashed.
“So go ahead, let’s make WCC great again, to be a place where love trumps the pseudo, where you can feel the burn and be alright, cuz we got the world’s best WFR’s.
(cheering mixed with “FAIRYGODWFRS” )
“Let’s make a future to believe in because our best days can be ahead of us. Let’s prevent assault on our drinks. And let’s build a wall around WCC to keep the TACeys and the NOLSeys out while still being able to say, deep in our hearts, that it’s morning again in Frassati and the donuts are acomin’!”
Pako is still setting up his campaign, but polls taken tonight (Irkutsk Ice Polls in collaboration with Decemvir Campaign Strategies) show him polling at 25% versus 30% for incumbent Dr. Arbery and 20% each for the other declared candidates Anthony Jones and Sophia Donaldson. 5% of the electorate remains undecided, but Pako’s incredible rise to second place and name recognition gives him a strong early boost and a strong shot overall at the seat come February’s elections during the ritual week of QuisQuid.
As of 7 pm Tuesday, none of the other candidates have as yet commented on Pako’s entrance into the race and Dr. Arbery, though now Pako’s rival for the office, is still his thesis advisor.