The problem: You don’t like here at WCC and you want to get out. But, importantly, you want to get out without looking like an “infidel” (in the definition of Dr. Holmes from his recent lecture). So you have a dilemma because if you leave, people might wind up thinking you’re one of “those people”. But while IIT doesn’t want anyone to leave, and we’re willing to do almost anything, anyyyythinnnnggg, to keep you here, if you really need to get out, here are five ways to do it right, and maybe even be remembered for generations to come as a hero.

  1. Go up to heaven in a fiery chariot

Unfortunately, this may be hard to arrange as God does not typically bring people up to heaven in such fame and glory. However, if you want to leave the school, and God happens to take you up to heaven in such fashion, you’re in luck, bro! Just make sure to have a friend nearby to tell everyone your story.

2. Join a religious order or transfer to a seminary

In the Class of 2022 this happened just a month ago, and the girl who left had to ask people not to “canonize her already” when they heard what she was leaving to do. Of course this has to actually be your calling from God, but if it is, it’s a great way to leave without anyone thinking badly about you.

3. Leave to “expedite your relationship timeline”

Not everyone may be as “wowed” at this, but they’ll be happy for you and you get the opportunity to come back and get everyone excited about your visit. Of course, you have to have a relationship to expedite, but if you do, you can help someone else leave at the same time.

4. Say you’re leaving because WCC is too modern, cultural, technological, etc.

Just say you’ve found something better (as long as it isn’t TAC) and people will respect your new position on the “trad spectrum”. Many actually have good reason to use this argument this year after well-known technology fiascos have allowed the temporary usage of phones. Just make sure that you don’t personally criticize anyone though.

5. Run off and leave

Just disappear, and see what happens. Some will blame it on the NOLSeys, some on TAC or maybe even on some of the big family clans. But nearly everyone will feel sorry for you and no one will imagine that you actually just “ran off” and dropped everything. They’ll honor your memory for sure, as long as you don’t come back to collect things from your dorm room. Maybe even leave a threatening note from some group claiming responsibility for the disappearance and watch this site to see the response. Ohh, will things get interesting, and you’ll be at the center of it all in one way or another.

Again, please don’t leave, but if you need to, use these, or talk to an IIT analyst to get more ideas. We particularly hope that people of the Class of 2022 don’t read this too much, with more possible losses forthcoming for the hardest hit class in WCC history, but if you do, please consider this for what it is – satire (like everything here)

Happy New Year from IIT