Lander, WY – Extremely well received at last month’s lecture at Wyoming Catholic College (WCC), Bernie Sanders has “conditionally accepted a position as assistant director of the WCC Horsemanship program” as it appears he is set to be defeated in the upcoming Democrat presidential primaries to rising star named an “Empty Chair”. “I’ve always loved Wyoming and if for some reason I’m not president next year, I’ll be coming there to stay,” he told reporters today at a campaign stop in Ohio. Coming to WCC, while “slightly unexpected for a man of my background” will be, he continued, “a nice way to relax, maybe pick up another home or two, but keep up on the politics a bit.” Leading the horsemanship program, in particular, was not the first thing anyone would have expected, especially with Mr. Clement having so recently come in to take over the school’s unique and required class in the “skills of the West”.
“We’ve been wanting to expand horsemanship back to a full year from just having a semester of it as of currently,” school dean Professor Cleanit told IIT reporters. “But that meant getting someone else to help as it would double staffing needs. Bernie couldn’t have come along at a better time.”
Assisting Mr. Clement as assistant director of the program, Bernie has great plans already. “The arena is dominated by big horses, too big to fail they say. Shouldn’t we be looking at that as a problem? I say we give each horse what it deserves. If people call that democratic socialism, I’m fine with that, but let’s be honest folks, it’s time we supported those horses that aren’t billionaires and gave them a moment to shine.” The virtue talks are also something, he’s “quite looking forward to participating in” with “fighting the super-duper-buper rich”, “climat-a-justice”, and other similar virtues necessary additions he wants to make to the discussion
Bernie was reportedly sighted at WCC last semester and rumored then to have been attending classes as a student in disguise. However, this confirms that he has been working with the school quietly for several months.
Joe Biden commented on this announcement during a speech today, saying “Bernie’s departure to run around with horses shows I’ve got even more momentum on the way to beat Trump for being dean of Wyoming Catholic College”
Aides quickly tried to shut down this latest gaffe-in-progress but he simply corrected to: “err, sorry I’m Joe Biden and I’m running for president of NOLS. We need to beat Joe Sanders and then Bernie Biden or else trillions of Americans will die from improperly tying their shoes.”
An IIT source placed within the WCC administration told us that “Bernie may also be considered to help teach humanities and political philosophy, offering live demonstrations of Marxism in action and is also interested in ‘reorganizing Frassati’ and taking charge of the “laundry-money” operation for the apartments.”