Yevgeny Prigozhin, a legendary Russian mercenary warlord, former war criminal, celebrity chef and head of the international business conglomerate the Wagner Group is now being considered for the next Nobel Peace Prize.
“Prigozhin’s a great guy,” said Andrew Steletermeyer of CNN. “Always has been. Yep, he was a little rough around the edges with that whole Wagner group stuff in Ukraine, but since he appeared to be fighting Putin a few weeks back that pretty much makes him a great guy in our view.”
“War is PEACE,” said Unster Sheddelsack of the Nobel prize committee. We love old Yevegeny. Great food brings about peace at the dinner table, and oh does Prigozhin make good food, ever since he started with a hot dog stand. Also, even war criminals can be peaceful war criminals, and ol’ Yev is one of those good un’s. Also, Yevegeny is a great philanthropist. His Wagner group is doing all kinds of good in Russia and Ukraine. If only he’d hurry up a bit and have a really destabilizing, err, peaceful takeover of Moscow and he’d be our man of century.
As of today, however, Yevegeny, after a laughter and giggle filled meeting with Russian president Vladmir Putin where he split up the money the CIA gave him to launch a coup, is now plotting the conquest of Kazakhstan for Putin, a move which as of today officially reclassifies him as a “dangerous war criminal” rather than one of those peaceful ones.