The Greek Iliad which was written by Homer, a Greek person, an ancient Greek person, a long time ago, in a country far, far away. The Iliad was written by Homer, a Greek person from Greece. Many people like his book the Iliad, even though it is like dude, super old. Hermes is a major character in the well-appreciated Iliad, a sort of Greek Santas Claus, but is an evil variation on the idea, as Blaise Galbraith believes in his new book, Metalheads and the Greek Consciousness, where he recounts the popular song of Hermes, “He leads you when you’re sleeping… / He leads when you’re awake / He leads when you’ve been bad and very bad… / So be bad for Zeus’s sake.” Hermes “leading” people at all times, obviously from this passage leads them to big, bad things, and along with the influence of Akilyus and Agamoron, are part of the top ten reasons why Greece is so messed up in the Iliad.

Hermes first appears in Book LXI of the Iliad with the words, “We’re chumming with transcendent deity! He is a chummy sort of God as he says by his words, drinking wine, whiskey, beer, lysol, and rubbing alcohol at his great feasts that last for years. All the gods are simply intoxicated after Hermes has poisoned them; although he can not kill them, they sleep for a few weeks, and Hermes steals all their TV’s and motorcycle equipment. This, although definitely theft, is actually a good thing morally for the other gods because it stops them from wasting their time watching the new reality show for the time Jacob’s Fertility Wars – “New Season starting on TLC…”. A god, Hermes shows up to humans quite often, dressing up as Bigfoot coming along with his pizza and his flying saucer. This is where Hermes comes into the Iliad, he hadn’t lerarned the lesson that you don’t go to Egypt for anything and it’s just the wrong thing to do. You see, while the Trojan War was going on, Hermes got an e-mail from his pal Poseidon, or so he thought. But Zeus, who knew Hermes, was tricky, out tricked him, and made the e-mail only look like it was coming from Poseidon, writing it himself. There was no part in Egypt as he should have been smart enough to realize. Arriving in Egypt and finding nothing to do, Hermes missed the death of Hektor in the Trojan War. He rushed up to Troy as fast as his flying saucer would take him, but, it was to no effect, the war was apparently almost over. Luckily for him, he had grenades and rifles in his flying saucer which he handed to both sides to prolong the fighting. Interfering in the war thus, Hermes managed to extend the Trojan War another ten years after Hektor’s death, supplying ammunition, weaponry, and robot soldiers to both sides, definitely fulfilling the song humans who were saddened by his interference sang about him.

In Wyoming Catholic College at present Hermes is particularly responsible for Cyril Patton spending nearly all his time at the hotel dorm. His room at St. Leo’s is nearly always empty as a result, something Hermes wants in order to have ample room to blast music from Robert’s room. You see, Hermes in addition to being a cowboy, likes music, and when he heard that there was an opportunity to potentially steal members from Andrew Russell’s cult, he jumped at the chance and forced Cyril out of the dorm to have space to cause a ruckus. Now Hermes, being smart, however, he didn’t just force Cyril, but instead penetrated his mind with his new gamma-omega-quartz rays to convince him to hang around Mik. Now, then, we have to deal with Mik’s room having four permanent members and the St. Leo’s sign-out sheet constantly filled with Cyril’s signatures. Acting just like he did during the Trojan War, Hermes’ control of Cyril’s soul is just another example of the soul leading power he excels at.

Now Hermes’ next plan to mess up at WCC stems from Professor Washut’s idea in humanities class, “We’re still imprisoned by the world of grades until some mighty Achilleus breaks us free”. Hermes wants to have the glory of Achilleus, and now plans to be the freedom for the WCC freshman, liberating them from grades, humanities quizzes and not being allowed to raid the hotel. His plan is to start by taking on the appearance of Dr. Baxter, after which he will say “If you want to read Dante properly: Enroll at Wyoming Catholic College”, before he then appears as Dr. Baxter and reorganizes all classes removing all writing requirements and replacing them with daredevil tests in Sinks Canyon and on the roof of Frassati. Although he may ultimately not be successful, his plan is to launch the operation before the end of 2018 and so win the glory of Achilleus he seeks over the people of Lander.

Hermes in the Iliad was definitely an interferer, a hacker, and an all-around rustler. In respects further than those discussed here, he can be considered an early cowboy, but the primary reason above all that he is important is that he extended the Trojan War ten years and destroyed most of the evidence of its second decade, making Homer write two versions of the Iliad, one the truth which includes the stories of Hermes’ importance, and another a fake version, which Homer wrote for popular appeal and is most commonly read today. If you want the true story of the Trojan War, which is actually known as the Plain War and happened millions not thousands of years ago, read the real version of the Iliad. It might just lead your soul.


Galbraith, Blaise, Metalheads and the Greek Consciousness. Santa Paula: Thomas Aquinas Press, 2009

Homer, Iliad: Verus Versione. Trans. Dr. Tiffany Schubert. Lander: Wyoming Catholic College Books, 2018

Wall, Annalise, Hermes: Unlocking the Mystery of Bigfoot. Odyssey: Electric Palace Scrolls, 2013

Washut, Professor Kyle, The Freshpeople Revolution. Irkutsk: Irkutsk Ice Trucking, 2004