Yesterday morning, in a completely unexpected turn of events, the baking crew burst out of Frassati in what witnesses have described as “an Iliadic rage.” Within minutes, the bakers, armed with various pans, bowls, spatulas, and other instruments of cooking, had overrun the entire campus.
As our own Jeremiah Davis Smith, who had escaped the slaughter by hiding in the newly-discovered basement of Baldwin, reports: “It was horrible. I was in Baldwin, just preparing to send an all-school email about my lost Nalgene, when they came in. The Baker of the Flowing Hair and the Burly Mountain Woman-Baker came charging in with their rolling pins and, like, it turned into a scene right out of Homer!”
Meanwhile, the rest of campus suffered similar fates. The upper dorms were the prey of the Baking Goddess and the Supreme Mistress of the Baking Area, who eyewitnesses have described as wielding a mixer and a spatula, respectively. The Athanasius dorm, which had so far escaped destruction, was nearly razed, with only one wall left standing.
While this was happening, Augur itself, which IIT analysts expected to survive any catastrophe by the fact of its completely unmemorable nature, was blasted by a lightning bolt attributed to She-Whose-Title-Must-Not-Be-Spoken, an entity commonly believed to be the “supervisor” of baking Crew. Crux itself has survived by being veiled in cloud, which is likely the work of the previous supervisor, a being known simply as “The Rose.”
Luckily, we were able to gain an exclusive interview which explains this sudden burst of menis from the bake crew. One of our interns spoke with the Mighty Baker Man as he stood at the outskirts of the dorms, bearing his precious zester and writing an epic poem to commemorate the event. The following is a record of his comments.
“Well, we tried to hold back as long as we could, and I think we did a really good job. We dealt with the ingredient shortages, missing equipment, and even the catering van getting stuck. However, this morning was the last straw. We came in to bake, as usual, and there was just a horrible mess everywhere. I’m talking dishes on the counter, some dough just sitting there, and flour everywhere! At this point, the Supervisor called us all together, and decided NO MORE. NO MORE would we deal with these shortages. NO MORE would we tolerate our equipment being put anywhere and everywhere. NO MORE would we allow foreigners to desecrate our sacred lands with such a mess. And so, the Supervisor called upon our divine wrath against those who have so spurned all that we hold dear.”
Our intern then asked about the targets that had been chosen, and why some students were being spared.
“We have no quarrel with breakfast crew, and in fact are on quite good terms with them. They are completely above suspicion when it comes to making a mess of our area, and many of them have even been adopted into our little family. Likewise, our Supervisor gets along well with The Rose, since he was the last Supervisor, so his request to have Crux spared was granted. Also, Crux is the place that we send most of our pastries to, so striking it down might put us out of a job. Everyone else, though, is fair game according to the Supervisor. It’s simple justice, you know?”
So there you have it. The true explanation for the oresteia that the bakers performed, and the reason that provoked it. In hindsight, IIT supercomputers have determined that this may have been predictable. After all, the Mighty Baking Man explained that there were many events that led up to this final outpouring of the bowls of wrath upon the college. Our analysis revealed this quote: “There are three things which every wise man fears: a night with no moon, the sea in a storm, and the anger of a patient man.” Thus, we at IIT urge all to ensure that the bakers are kept pacified, especially by keeping their sacred space in good order. As recovery efforts continue, you can be sure that IIT, along with Anslam Technologies and our other affiliates, will be at the forefront of reconstruction.