United States – State governments across the United States are reportedly “confused and bewildered about the return/cancellation policies” on what they thought was a 30-day free trial of socialism. “Try now pay later” was the slogan of the particular brand we chose, says Arnold Armashan, a store-owner in Michigan who was told it would solve all his problems without his lifting a finger. “We bought it as a national and most of the states did on their own as well, and it was going to be the greatest thing, but now I’m a little confused,” he told IIT reporters. “We all decided we didn’t want it and wanted to return it, but they’re not letting us give it back.”

“We need to get the approval of experts, provide a reason for return, and provide a receipt,” says one federal agent on the task force responsible for the purchase. “Unfortunately our problems started when Nancy tore up the receipt. Thought it was a Trump speech apparently. How funny.”

Although most Americans have decided that they don’t want socialism and are asking for its return to its Chinese manufacturers, this means America may end up having to keep socialism until someone else can take it permanently. As Virginia governor Ralph Northram says, “We might as well keep socialism permanently now that we’ve bought it.”

One senator proposed selling socialism on Ebay but changed his mind after finding out it wouldn’t be worth it. “We payed two trillion dollars for it, and we can’t sell it for more than a dollar.”

Until America finds a buyer or can persuade China to take it back, socialism is with us as “tossing it out the window would be a climate crime” according to Al Gore “and that’s worse than keeping socialism, even with its [in undertone] underappreciated effects.”

Bernie Sanders has proposed that America full send it, on the other hand, and upgrade its socialism monthly. “If anything this 30 day free trial has taught us how absolutely massively awesome socialism can be. But it can better. We want, we demand that everyone get their own socialism. Democratic socialism for everyone. Not just the 1%.”