Lander, WY – Wyoming Catholic College junior Jacob Zepp, the future Pope Zepp (he plans to be elected pope sometime around 2045) gained support today from WCC freshmen upon a promise made in a campaign speech today in the school’s Frassati Hall. The current school sacristan and liturgy expert promised, when elected to “anathematize the pre-Socratics with all their okey-doke. We don’t need no education in blabbering hippies from millennia ago! We need to excommunicate and anathematize those hateful thinkers who attempted to ensnare and confuse poor, malleable minds throughout the ages with their ungodly heresies about water, stones, atom, voids, rivers, and gold watches. We need anathemas and we need them now!”

WCC freshmen have a paper due this Saturday about the pre-Socratic philosophers, something which likely contributes to their excitement about the future Pope Zepp’s proposal. However (future) Pope Zepp doesn’t just want to stop with the pre-S0cratics as he has a “laundry list of anathemas, papal bulls, excommunications, and more up his sleeve.”

“I can’t wait,” he told an IIT reporter. “My papacy’s going to be a blast. Ego sum PRO.”

According to IIT intelligence operatives in close contact with Jacob Zepp, he plans to anathematize many of the musicians which students in the Art 302 course at WCC listen to, particularly the atonal composers, as well as “possibly Everett Polinski as well.”

“I dunno though,” Zepp reportedly added. “Maybe I excommunicate him, maybe I make him my secretary. Or maybe I just sleep. I could really use some of that right now.”

Learn more about Jacob Zepp’s campaign for the papacy: