Share with:

FacebookTwitterGoogleLinkedInRedditPinterestPocketEmail this pagePrint this page


Boston, MA: In a shocking discovery to most of the public, MIT researchers today announced they have discovered an extreme positive correlation between praying the rosary and sitting in a Philosophy class with Dr. Grove.

Both offer the chance of seeing striking visuals like BBC documentaries on animals for Philosophy and movies on the life of Christ if you’re watching a video rosary, but the most stunning correlation is in the “time buffer” that surrounds the core action.

“To the second its nearly identical,” says Dr. Steve Talbert who headed the $4,200,000 study. “You can expect a thirty-six minute and twenty-two second introduction to every class with Dr. Grove, a figure which is almost exactly the same as a calculated average of thirty-six minutes and twenty-three seconds for the average Catholic family to run through the preparations for the Rosary, intentions, and opening commentary when they pray the Rosary together.”

The researchers don’t seem to know why there is such correlation yet although Sophists who have taken the Philosophy of Metal here at WCC and understand the “Correlation equals Causation” premise understand it quite simply. “It means that taking a class with Dr. Grove is just as spiritually benficient as praying the Rosary or maybe its the opposite, but whatever, dudes…,” offers Marcus Gardner, a WCC Junior, and who, although it may surprise many, is actually an expert also at philosophy and the Rosary.

He offers one opinion of how this is so, in order for us to have the basic hope of knowledgey knowledge on this stunner per se. “When St. Patrick came to convert the Greeks back in 300 BC, he used the Rosary, and Aristotle helped modernize the team with geometrical proportions for easier mass-production. As we study Aristotle from the A to the E with Grove it’s only appropriate that there be no difference in time, that is, any measure of change, between the action of the two.”

Others are still confused, like Andrew White of Idaho, who simply says “everyone should be more efficient with both the Rosary and Philosophy and stop wasting time on foolish studies like this.”

Although we here at IIT have experienced this thirty-six minute plus average for both and strongly sometimes don’t hold the perfection of the virtue of patience, we agree with him on such studies often being a waste of time.

Like Dr. Zepp says, “You should occupy yourself with more useful things―like being obsessed with football.” And this means studying like “whatever dudes” for whatever philosophy may throw at you and praying the Rosary by just doing it.

At press time, Dr. Talbert is seeking funding to expand his study into how long it takes Protestants to prepare to say the Rosary and whether the one-second difference time difference between the two may be caused by a higher density of the “real” when praying.