Lander, WY – Freshman Ryan Milligan of New Hampshire scared many today when he stumbled into Frassati and explained that he had lost the proper faculty of soul termed “locomotion” by overreliance on the technology known as a skateboard. Part of the illustrious Milligan clan so crucial to the survival of Wyoming Catholic College, the community as a whole there greatly fears anything ever happening to any of the Milligans but today’s scare, due to concerns that the same trouble could befall other freshmen who have an ordinate desire and attachment to skateboards, might also succumb to the same malady.

As far as WCC’s illustrious staff of WFRs can tell, Ryan is still mobile on a longboard, his sole means of transportation until today at Wyoming Catholic College, but such dependency created this unexpected condition of not being able to properly walk otherwise over only two months.


Ryan is fine overall, as the community as a whole rushed to his assistance, helping him to stumble around as he relearns the process of walking, something which Anthony, his roommate, says “he is doing astoundingly well with.”

But further medical care is still being metered out as well for reasons IIT is unable to discern.

We’re attempting to pull traction on the spine,” Andi Callaway, one of his classmates, offered, “But we may not have enough resources to handle Peter as well should something possibly happen to him.” Such is the clear and present danger as freshman Anthony Blegovich of Connecticut reportedly may also have lost his skateboard and could soon face similar symptoms.

But Ryan may be trying to turn this situation and the corresponding experience to his advantage. “This means we need a Longboard Superflex Team,” he reportedly said while being assisted around two other freshmen longboards on his way into dinner in Frassati. Proposed by junior Sophia Donaldson as part of the #MilliganNewDeal, Longboard Superflex would create an official repair, maintenance and overhaul department to aid Milligan Mobility. Longboard Superflex is still being debated as the overall Milligan New Deal but as better repair of longboards might allow them to be used all the time instead of being left behind sometimes like this, could prevent situations like this from reoccurring something Ryan is highly hopeful that the school will recognize and wisely base their overall decision about the broader deal upon.

But one person, standing above the particulars thinks there’s a larger problem with the class as a whole only illustrated by this problem: “What is happening to our poor, dear freshpersons? Prayer is so demanded,” said Anna Blanchard, a freshman from Arizona.

What’s more, focusing on the idea of a longboard as a technology that makes the user less human, some PVS (Philosophical Vision Statement) experts believe the school might soon change policies to discourage their use as a means to fulfilling the PVS’ ideals and promote more humanity amongst the school as a whole. This would be totally in opposition however to the MilliganNewDeal, something we’re sure will shut down this idea before it even truly reaches the true school administration