Minot, ND – Speaking from a top-secret nuclear bunker today after aliens destroyed the White House and much of Washington D.C. this morning after Biden ordered one of their probe craft (a.k.a. UFOs) destroyed over Alaska yesterday, President Biden and his administration are arguing that the new war the world is finding itself in with an extraterrestrial civilization is “mostly peaceful.”
“I get what they’re saying Jack, but me and the boys got this. This is not a rocket science. This is simple, this is mostly peaceful. More so than even my trunalimunumaprzure. You know, back in Deleware my father always used to say. Never, my boy, never get into a war with an alien civilization over shooting down one of their probes. And that’s why I gave the order yesterday to my friends to shoot that little tweep right out of the sky. And I apologize. I apologize not for what I did but for the way I said it. You know, you know, the thing you do when you need a nice shave, but can’t get into the swimming pool because it’s too cold, I’m screaming it about.”
Biden then launched into a discussion of razors, swimming pools, and ice cream, before being rushed off stage by aides and replaced by vice president Kamala Harris, who, after five minutes of cackling, explained that there are actually “seven different types of alien civilizations, only some of which are not peaceful” which she proceeded to explain with a venn-diagram.
On a related note, the U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin announced that the United States will be taking “every step necessary to ensure that the invading alien civilization does not misgender any American nor be allowed to post anything to Twitter without proper content moderation.”
“We urge Americans, however,” he added, “to extend the same courtesy to the aliens. ALWAYS announce your pronouns before they kill you. ALWAYS ensure that you confess your white supremacy and the fact that you are occupying stolen land to them before they land. ALWAYS ensure that you do not produce any carbon emissions even while fighting with the aliens.”
Meanwhile, four more major U.S. cities, Boston, New York, Los Angeles, and Seattle were instantly vaporized by colossal alien space craft hovering over them.